Suffice it to say that the only way a restaurant can get away with being as dive-y as John's is if the food is this good. The decor obviously hasn't been touched in decades—ceiling lamps look like yellowed tulips, old Chianti bottles wedged between booths and the wall serve as art and the vinyl-upholstered stools, chairs and booths resemble the color of old banana peels (except on the right side of the room that has blue chairs and garish pastel tablecloths). From any seat, you can see the whole kitchen, where bored-looking waitresses shuffle around and do crossword puzzles. And yet, the place's earnest nostalgia is totally lovable and exciting. The old-time jukebox features throwbacks like California Dreaming, the theme from Benny Hill and Bear Down, Chicago Bears (four picks for $1), and paper placemats are covered in mazes and logic problems that even grownups will find entertaining.

The menu is absurdly long, but if you're smart you'll skip straight to the thin-crust pizzas. The standard list of toppings borders on the ho-hum, but something about the perfectly browned, crisp, salty crust and sweet sauce makes these pies both memorable and crave-worthy. Pizza sizes range from the 10-inch to the 14 by 22-inch "football" size; when in doubt, go for bigger, because thin crust done right doesn't stick to the ribs like Chicago-style.

Other artery-clogging treats will tempt you: Onion rings come served by the foot, and you'll find six versions of heavenly garlic bread. Beers include Corona, Heineken, Miller Lite, MGD and Budweiser; you can also get hard liquor and cheap wine. The menu features bottles of Sutter Home for $13, or you can opt for a glass of the house burgundy for $3, which tastes pleasantly tart and is just low-rent enough to suit the mood. Get fancy with frozen daiquiris, pina coladas and drinks described with snarky commentary (who knew that Long Island iced tea was Oksana Baiul's favorite?).

Centerstage Reviewer: Julia Steinberger