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Guide to Internet Dating: The First Email
Tuesday Apr 29, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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You've browsed several online dating sites and finally found someone who you believe is the perfect match for you—or a pretty good match, or at least someone with pretty good abs, whatever. Now what? What will increase your chances of your would-be mate, date or masturbate actually responding? Here are a few tips, based on actual emails I've received from the interwebs, on what to do and what to avoid when first reaching out to a potential love interest.
Ed note: Names have been changed to protect my reputation, I mean, the innocent. Misspellings, however, have not been altered to protect your amusement.
tell me why i should pick you -looking for a friendly talk- we can start anywhere-.i have no long didtance on my phone so you have to call my way-.my name is bruce -. i live at 555 n. Anywhere Street in chicago, il.- please call me between 2p.m. and 12 midnight central time-.call me till you get me 555-5555 -get a phone card or something and call me please- i think age is a state of mind and to the people who think i too old to talk to and be with all i can say is you dont know me and i take a chance on anyone who wants to be with me amd talk with me to know me and to see me in person- the world would be a better place if people took the time to understand people of all races and to understand what the people is going though- i lose my family mom dad brother over the years- check me out with the cops if you don't trust me- better to be safe than sorry- bruce 555 n Anywhere Street chicago ill 555-5555- what the world needs now is love sweet love- there is too little of it in the world.
I can't emphasize this enough, but, really, your greatest pickup device is MASTERY OF BASIC ENGLISH. No need to brush up on the definition of a gerund verb or which adjective modifiers correctly precede which nouns (is anyone else getting hot and bothered?), but please, use periods, the occasional comma and moderately understandable sentence structures.
Also, don't give out contact information (and certainly not more than once), other than your email address or IM screen name upon first contact, unless you're looking for booty on your lunch break and need to be back before Steve in Marketing steals your paperweight again. Otherwise, it makes you appear desperate or crazy. While I agree with Bruce that there is not enough sweet love in the world, he'd certainly have a better chance of getting his hands on some if he adhered to the standard of making sense. Perhaps I will send him a postcard saying just that.
The ideal intro email is short and sweet, three to five sentences max. Don't write a novella about your life in which you include allergies, the index to your book collection and links to your MySpace, Facebook and LiveJournal accounts. You want to spark their curiosity.
Hey Cornhole,
Insulting your potential date only works on the elementary school playground and on "Rock of Love." Unless the insult channels Beavis and Butthead, in which case, I'd be too turned on to finish answering this question and need to tap that ass immediately. What you should do is mention something you liked about their profile or something you could relate to: "I have that same Old Navy sweater, only in charcoal!"
Hi could you use a good slave? a slutty submissive male cross dresser that will dress and do as you wished i do love to please a woman and make her happy. could you be my Mistress?
Unless your guy or gal has a picture with a leather zippered hood or riding crop, don't assume you know what their sexual interests are. Sure, it's nice to cut to the chase now and again, but blindly propositioning strangers will yield you very few mistresses. I know because I've conducted a focus group on the matter, and the mistresses and mavens collectively decided we want to be propositioned with a sonnet and a vial of Antonio Banderas cologne (only $60 on fragranceX.com )! did you know how sacred cunnilingus is, how revered and how imprtant it is to the survival of our evolving race...? Here is some historical facts: Although not spoken of openly in Western society until recently, cunnilingus is accorded a revered place in Chinese Taoism….By either semen retention or ingesting the secretions from the vagina, a male or female can conserve and increase his/her ch'i, or original vital breath. In Taoism: The Great Medicine of the Three Mountain Peaks is to be found in the body of the woman and is composed of three juices, or essences: one from the woman's mouth, another from her breasts, and the third, the most powerful, from the Grotto of the White Tiger, which is at the Peak of the Purple Mushroom (the mons veneris).
Don't compose your email by copying a Wikipedia entry. While this one certainly got my attention, as soon as I read the phrase "Grotto of the White Tiger," it was obvious that he was plagiarizing en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunnilingus. Don't get me wrong; I like the Tao of Poon as much as the next spiritual practitioner, but this kind of email shares nothing relevant about you with your potential date, and hence will get you nowhere near the Peak of the Purple Mushroom.
Last tip: Send out emails to more than one person at a time, at least three, if not more. Remember Murphy's Law of Online Dating? (It's in the Constitution, next to the law on wrestling pigs while intoxicated.) The more contacts you attempt, the better your odds are of not having to reset the VCR clock. What?
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