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Dear Maven,

I've been with my girlfriend for about two months. Everything has been going great and the sex is hot. The only thing is that last night, she told me that she works as an escort. I'm hurt and shocked that she could do that. Is this relationship doomed? Am I wrong to dump her?

~Wants Help with Overt but Rockin' Escort

You know, Dad, I told you to stop calling Mom an "escort" just because she buys lavender pantsuits at the Dress Barn! I have to admit that I'm pretty tired of all the recent ho bashing, and not just relating to now ex-guv Eliot Spitzer's proclivities. Our culture is saturated with sex; it encompasses everything from politics to denture commercials, yet the minute the sex we are consuming becomes personal, suddenly the planet's irreversible demise is at stake, as well as our egos and relationships. That said, WHORE, it's up to you what you can or can't handle within the parameters of a relationship, and if it makes you uncomfortable to date a hooker, you're hardly alone. Just ask Katie Holmes if you don't believe me. I'd be more concerned that she wasn't up front about it for two months, though working that into a casual conversation would indeed be difficult. "Well, I have three brothers, am from Miami and shove kumquats up men's yoo-hoos every other Saturday for $300 a pop." I'm also of the party that thinks one should be up front about how many sex partners one has, so she'd have at least one red flag in my Book of Slights for that omission.,p>

Since the cons of dating an escort have been written about promiscuously, here are some perks, aside from the annual retreats at Chili's with all the awesome blossoms you can handle: sexual experience and variety, knowledge about safe sex practices, great stories about other people's unusual sexual behaviors (see kumquat reference). Oh, and they're often loaded.

Dear Maven,

Thanks, Steve

Dear Steve,

Whatever you do, don't buy her tickets to a Barry Manilow concert. Do you remember when he sang "Copacabana" on "Dancing with the Stars"? He even had non-Fanilows swooning with desire on that number. And that's not what you want. You don't want to lie, so there go the substance abuse and "actually, I'm gay" speeches, surefire ways to repel those unrequited love bugs without hurting anyone's feelings, but potentially damaging your street cred for the rest of eternity. Chances are if she's said it once and you didn't reciprocate, you've most likely shamed her into not saying it again for a while. Girls are delightfully perceptive and insecure about such things. But if she does drop another L-bomb on you before you've developed those ooey-gooey feelings of co-dependence and jealousy, then you might want to try complimenting the hell out of her. "Speaking of love, have I told you how much I love your perfectly manicured eyebrows? Do you wax or something?" And then ask her a bunch of questions about facial hair sculpting. Try to avoid making vague promises or references to your penis, which often backfire. Just ask Katie Holmes if you don't believe me.