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How to talk your way out of a threesome (now there's a first!) and where to draw the line with kissin' cousins.

Monday Dec 10, 2007.     By Anna Pulley

Dating Feed

Here's a question for you Ms. Maven.

I met this girl a month ago. The night we met we were going on tons of alcohol and whatnot and had a threesome and some group sex later on. I haven't done anything like this since I was 18, and I was really beginning to remember why I stopped doing it. We "officially" started going out, and she tells me she wants to hook up with other women. I'm not a fan but I figure she means group sex. Still, not my favorite but far preferable to her hooking up with other people by herself. However, she tells me she doesn't like having sex with random people, which seems somewhat ludicrous to me since that's how we met and what we have done several times, mainly at her instigation. I'm less than thrilled since as far as I am concerned it is cheating to hook up with anyone but the person you are going out with, regardless of the gender. I already told her she could hook up with other chicks on the premise that we would just find some other girl once in a while. Now's she's pissed at me for lying to her. Half the world seems to think I am being crazy and the other half is on my side. What do you think?

~Chris

A: Oh those wily bisexuals, always forcing straight men into frivolous no-strings-attached group sex with other women! Forgive us. We act this way, I think, because of Tom Cruise. And because we can't turn around without someone mentioning the word "sandwich." It sounds like there was some pretty steep miscommunication regarding who can f**k whom and when to add Red Bull. You're both guilty of not being upfront about your desires (and of being total whores, of course). The way to resolve this is simple: a dance off. If her Jiggy beats your Nervous Lawnmower (copyright: Maven 2007), then I'm afraid you have to abide by her rules.

For serious, it's time to have an honest discussion with her and figure out what you both expect from this relationship and from each other. But I don't really see shopping for matching floor lamps in your future (that's Phase 4: Serious, in relationship speak. It comes right before Phase 5: Celibacy). Why bother with someone who doesn't want what you want (i.e. monogamy), especially if orgies aren't your thing? Unless you're dating Beyonce, she's probably not worth the trouble of changing your lifestyle (and she would totally win the dance off anyway, so you'd be best not to try). Now go on and find yourself a nice girl who wants to hook up with just you. They're out there, I swear—often in the tea coozy section of JC Penny's.

Hi Maven,

I've been having these recurring fantasies about my cousin (through marriage). There's always been sexual tension between us, and I know that technically we're "family" but not by blood. How wrong would it be to sleep with him?

Sincerely,
Kissin Cousin

A: You know, to me, nothing says Christmas like incest fantasies. Now the only thing left on my holiday wish list is John Tesh's Greatest Hits Album (Only 32 cents on Amazon! Come to mama). Hypothetically speaking, it's not wrong at all for you to bang your cousin-in-law. Also, hypothetically speaking, when the zombies come to reign in all their post-apocalyptic glory and put you and your cousin in a museum to remind the zombies of what it was like "back then," that would be an equally acceptable time for you to get a little cuzin lovin. Culturally speaking, however, you might want to—how can I put this lightly—pork a little farther from the family tree.

Incest laws vary from state to state, with some legal repercussions involving things like fines, jail time and being forced to watch Fox News (which, paradoxically, has been shown to increase the odds of inbreeding). But I'm far too lazy to look up Illinois' incest laws, so you'll have to do that yourself if you're curious how many Hannity & Colmes talk shows you'll be subjected to if you decide to venture in that direction. I do know that in many southern states, it's perfectly fine to marry one's cousin, so you've got the thumbs up from Alabama! If you're asking for my permission, however, may I direct you to the not oft-cited quote from Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life": "Tiny Tim, come inside and play with your sister!" Ew, sorry. There's a little too much eggnog being passed around the Centerstage office. Nevermind that I work at home.

Anna Pulley, our Meet-Market Maven, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.